i was on vacation. i needed a new swimsuit.
if anyone reading this knows me, then they would know that i like shopping about as much as i like slamming my finger in a car door and ripping my entire fingernail off. and for those of you who do not know me, that means that i in fact do not like shopping at all.
to minimize my time in the store, i walk up to the first rack that i see with (what i assumed) were men’s swimsuits. after checking out some patterns and picking one off the rack that i liked, i then realized they were skirts. i quickly looked around to make sure that nobody, let alone any of my family saw that my first choice was in fact meant to be worn by female tennis players. strike one.
embarrassed and pissed by the fact that i had already spent 3.6 minutes longer in adidas than i had planned, i went to another rack that i again assumed were men’s swimsuits. after verifying that there were in fact two leg holes, i proceeded to find a “large” and rip it off the rack. after using my master card (and cousin’s employee discount). i finally left adidas. but this tale of bathing suit woe does not end there.
with two days of rain, i had yet to get an opportunity to show off my new swimsuit. finally, it was as if god himself took his mighty hands and parted the coulds above to reveal something that we new englanders once recognized as the sun. my cousins and i raced down to the basketball court in jubilation to finally be able to do something. after a few evening games of tough, hard fought street ball, i went to go put on my new swimsuit for a nice refreshing dip in the lake.
after tearing the tags off, i stared at my new swimsuit for a moment, “it looks kind of small” i said to myself. “maybe it will stretch?” (i knew full well it wouldnt stretch). after struggling to get my massive tree trunk like thighs into the bathing suit, i knew something was dreadfully wrong. however, i charged forward, determined. with the swimsuit fully “on” i then proceeded to button the waist, which was at least 10 inches too small. in a rage, i ripped off my new swimsuit and checked the inner tag. “us lg” it read. i then checked the price tag. “swimsuit, L”. i then checked the 2nd tag that nobody ever looks at. there was the adidas logo and a sticker that said “large”. confused, i pulled out yet another tag, “youth” is what it said, as if it had been laughing at me since i took it off the rack.
needless to say i swam in my underwear that night.
who the hell looks at the third tag when they buy clothes? i mean give me a break.
